Monday, April 30, 2012

Dating Diversity

You know, its kind of weird how the majority of the race issues we have faced since adopting transracially have actually been with the white children I gave birth to.  (Not that there haven't been issues with Mouse.)

Like the time my teen-aged son declared that racism doesn't exist anymore after I called him out for spouting a stereotype at the music booming car next to us at a stop light.  Oh yes he did.  And the kids did learn a lesson about saying that kind of stuff in front of mom.  You should see the gleam in their eyes and the grins on their faces when someone else in the family makes the same mistake.  I have a reputation on the subject apparently.

And yes I've had to call BS on not only my father-in-law, but my own father also. It sucked but I did it. And when my own father told me he could say whatever he wants, he's old and he earned it.... Well my response was that I could never come back or bring his grandchildren to see him any more. Which way did he want it? (No that was not easy.)


Bones pretty much kept a low profile on the subject after that.  But Songbird?  She's become a little champion on racial issues.  She calls people out for using the worst of words.  She has debates in class when someone gets stereotypical or flat out racial. She reprimands people at the lunch tables.

And she is funny too.  When people see pictures of her little sister on her phone and ask her if Mouse is adopted....Songbird says "No.....I am."She's thrown quite a few people with that one.

We are always hearing about the racial issues here from her. She comes home just appalled several times a year.  Once it was because none of her high school friends thinks it wrong to call Asian's Chinks.  Really??
But the latest one was the hardest so far.

You see, the kids were discussing dating and the subject of inter-racial dating came up.  And according to her nearly 100% of the kids claim they are not allowed to date anyone of another color/race. Parent mandated NOT ALLOWED.

My first response was "Are you kidding me???"

And then she went on to say she told everyone that she was pretty sure her parents would be happier if she dated a black man than a white.


So here I sat as a mom with a million things running through my head and trying to figure out how to handle this one.

Does she really think we want her to date based on race????  If I jump up and say NO that's not the case will she take it as not practicing what I preach??

What do I do????

So after asking her why she thought that (well...look at our family mom) I proceeded as carefully as I could to explain that she had it all wrong.

Actually the EASIEST thing she could do in life is to date and marry a white man.  And every mom wants her kids to have it easy and be accepted and face as little hatred as possible.  So for the sake of ease alone dating a white man is the way to go.

But dating is not about color/race.  And our assessment of her dates is not about color/race. It's about character.  CHARACTER.  It's not about how alike or different your backgrounds are.  It's about character. It's not about how much money they have or what college they attend.  It's not about where in town they live.  It's about character.

So I hope I did okay.

All I know for sure is that I was horrified that she really thought we wanted her to date based on race.

Any other mixed families out there that have dealt with something similar?


  1. An outstanding share! I've just forwarded this onto a coworker who has been conducting a little research on this. And he in fact ordered me dinner because I found it for him... lol. So let me reword this.... Thank YOU for the meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending time to talk about this issue here on your web page.
    my web page :: mcallen

  2. I love your boldness! And your bottom line being character - that is awesome.

  3. Love it. And totally agree, though the Souix/Ethiopian guy my Filipina daughter has her eye on? Wow! He's got a ton of character! LOL!