You've heard that November is Adoption Awareness month, right? The subject pops up regularly in the news and other fronts as people try to bring adoption to the public's attention. Its a time to celebrate!
At least that's what I thought for the last 6 years. I mean, what could be better than paying special attention to those awesome adoptions! Get the word out! Get more kids adopted out of foster care or where-ever!
Right.
So today I was reading an article over at Grown In My Heart : What Adoption Awareness Means To Me. It is written by a birth mother. (If you have any interest in adoption please go read this post.)
Wow. She was NOT celebrating. Not only that, she was very unhappy with those that are.
The first half of the article I'm feeling like a repeat of Mother's Day. I really don't like it when one group wants to tear down a holiday or special day honoring another group because they don't fit it quite right. I still feel strongly that mother's should all-out celebrate...even though the world is full of people that don't have mother's any longer, or have given up children or a million other reasons. Its not a day about rubbing our "motherhood" in other people's face...its a day to celebrate being a mom. Anyways....I digress. As always.
So I'm reading this article and picking it apart as another sour grapes issue. Why am I not allowed to Celebrate???? I have a gift that I thank God for every day. It is worth celebrating.
And then.....there it was.
"And while I can understand that for many people adoption is cause for celebration because it brought something good to their lives, the fact is that ALL adoption is somewhere, someplace, somehow resting on a foundation of loss. That’s not a cause to celebrate. It’s a cause to honor. One honors a loss; one does not celebrate it."
One honors a loss: one does not celebrate it.
As I've mentioned before, I am a strong supporter of the school of thought that no matter what I give or provide for my daughter...it will NEVER take away what I took from her.
So this one paragraph has managed to strike my brain like a lightening bolt.
And I will no longer CELEBRATE Adoption Awareness.
From now on, I will HONOR adoption during November.
Because adoption IS first and foremost built on loss.
Because my daughter has lost her birth mother.
And her birth father.
And her country.
And her culture.
And her language.
And being a majority instead of a minority.
So I thank Claudia for her post. I have learned a truth that just might serve my daughter well. Even if the growth is not always painless, it is growth non-the-less. Thank goodness for the birth mothers and grown adoptees that are willing to share their pain with adoptive parents. I wish more of them could express themselves so well....telling their truths without name calling the adoptive parents. You will make a difference for some child. You ARE making a difference.
Thank you.
So friends, won't you join me this month in HONORING adoption?
Mother's Day has always bothered me. You know that. Last spring, when you did your Mother's Day post, I didn't tell you, but it bothered me to. This post showed me why. Mother's Day is not to CELEBRATE mothers; it is to HONOR them. Anyone who got them confused along the way probably thought they were using a synonymn. They are not and when their Mother's Day is filled with loss, they will understand that, and regret their decision. November should be treated much the same, with kid gloves. I like the idea of HONORING adoption rather than CELEBRATING it because it acknowleges the loss felt by some while allowing for the joy felt by others. Good job on the post.
ReplyDeleteYou and I are on the same wavelength. Do you mind if I link back to your post? There is no way I could say it as well as yours. I also feel the same way as Tricia does about Mother's Day - it was such a painful day for me for so long. I spoke at length with our priest why, and they now include others who provide a mothering role to children in the Mother's Day blessing, in essence honoring all mothers, no matter what their actual name is.
ReplyDeleteI definitely join you in HONORING. Well put, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI might have to re-think Mothers Day. But I just don't see it as a day that's foundation is based loss. I think that's my hang-up with those that try to suppress it because of their losses.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Autumn. Interesting how we can get hung up on semantics, but in this case, I think the words are different enough to truly change the meaning of occasion.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you kept your mind open and read - and really heard - the entire post!
ReplyDeleteEvery joy one person feels on the receiving end of an adoption represents a TRAGIC LOSS for another mother; another family that failed to remain together. The repercussions ripples out and effect many extended family and subsequent relationships and children of that mother. And the grief is LIFELONG, irresolvable, often causes PTSD, and often goes on in silencae and shame, unlike other losses that have recognized ritual.
For adopted person, regardless of how much love and good care they may receive and upward mobility and material advantages as a result of being adopted...they still feel a terrible sense of loss, rejection and abandonment.
I go further than asking these losses to be honored. I ask that we each think and choose very carefully before choosing to be part of the problem or pat of the solution.
Infertility is a grievous loss. So too is the loss of a limb or the loss of one's eyesight. But laws prevent us from taking organs from the living because it creates exploitation of the poor. Yet adoption allows, promotes and encourages such exploitation and coercion.
Adoption is a last resort for most who adopt. Loosing a child to adoption is also the last thing any mother wants to bear. And spending one's life wondering who they look like and why they were given away is not exactly anyone's choice either.
So, let's stop celebrating and let's also stop encouraging more family separations through tax benefits and the like. I fully support doing everything possible to find homes for children who are truly orphaned or who have no family able to provide safe care for them even when offered necessary resources to do so.
But I find it reprehensible to celebrate, honor, support or encourage adoption as it is currently practiced meet a high paid demand, while 129,000 children who COULD be adopted from foster care and those in orphanages around the word over age 5 go ignored.
That is something for us to cry in shame over - not honor or celebrate.
Mirah Riben,author
The Stork Market: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
http://AdvocatePublications.com
I join you in honoring adoption, for it is an honorable thing. I think it is wonderful that the difference has been noted b/t celebrating and honoring. The more you write about the emotions you and your sweet girl have about all this, the more my eyes are opened. I never really realized how hard it all was.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post, Autumn. I haven't been blog visiting much this week - survival mode with the MIL - but I am so glad I had the chance to read this one.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said. Thank you for writing so clearly, and with so much passion.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you kept your mind open and read - and really heard - the entire post!
ReplyDeleteEvery joy one person feels on the receiving end of an adoption represents a TRAGIC LOSS for another mother; another family that failed to remain together. The repercussions ripples out and effect many extended family and subsequent relationships and children of that mother. And the grief is LIFELONG, irresolvable, often causes PTSD, and often goes on in silencae and shame, unlike other losses that have recognized ritual.
For adopted person, regardless of how much love and good care they may receive and upward mobility and material advantages as a result of being adopted...they still feel a terrible sense of loss, rejection and abandonment.
I go further than asking these losses to be honored. I ask that we each think and choose very carefully before choosing to be part of the problem or pat of the solution.
Infertility is a grievous loss. So too is the loss of a limb or the loss of one's eyesight. But laws prevent us from taking organs from the living because it creates exploitation of the poor. Yet adoption allows, promotes and encourages such exploitation and coercion.
Adoption is a last resort for most who adopt. Loosing a child to adoption is also the last thing any mother wants to bear. And spending one's life wondering who they look like and why they were given away is not exactly anyone's choice either.
So, let's stop celebrating and let's also stop encouraging more family separations through tax benefits and the like. I fully support doing everything possible to find homes for children who are truly orphaned or who have no family able to provide safe care for them even when offered necessary resources to do so.
But I find it reprehensible to celebrate, honor, support or encourage adoption as it is currently practiced meet a high paid demand, while 129,000 children who COULD be adopted from foster care and those in orphanages around the word over age 5 go ignored.
That is something for us to cry in shame over - not honor or celebrate.
Mirah Riben,author
The Stork Market: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
http://AdvocatePublications.com
Well said, Autumn. Interesting how we can get hung up on semantics, but in this case, I think the words are different enough to truly change the meaning of occasion.
ReplyDelete