Thursday, January 28, 2010

Dear Bethy

I sat down to write a response to your comment on the Statement on Haiti and it turned into a novel. And alot of this is feelings I should probably share with others. So, this turned into a blog post.

he big thing about Haiti is that "whites" are trying to walk in and take the kids while not following any of the Hague conventions which are put into place to stop trafficking and such. So many countries are guilty of trafficking...and it will always be present. That's evil human nature. Because it is so rampant, we should not fast track any adoptions....especially in a disaster situations. Too many times it is later found out there are relatives looking for the kids that wanted them. Their own relative, in their own country. And maybe its not a relative...but someone else in their community. They should never have been removed from their birth culture. That, I think, is the big thing and the reason the statement is made. This story has played out over and over. Thousands of internationally adopted people have done their searches and found out the were wanted in their birth country. They have a reason to be mad. The stance is that the richer nations have no business walking into another country and taking their children because they think their way of life is so much better that the benefits outweigh this happening.

Most of these people are not totally anti-adoption...they are against the way it is now and the loop holes that exist. Some are anti-adoption because they know there will never be a system that is not corrupt. Most actually believe in older child adoption .... just not infant adoption.

I personally believe in adoption.

But I agree that infant adoption leads to many many trafficking and baby buying schemes. You have to coerce babies away from moms in order to sell/adopt them out. Many promises are made to mothers that would never have given the baby up otherwise - better standard of living, college, they are just staying with the other couple until they are educated. That's just sad. But it will always be. And where true orphans are concerned, many times there are people in their own community that would happily take them if there wasn't so much red tape or financial roadblocks. It would serve the child better to be placed within its own country so these blocks should not be there. But our money is bigger than their money so who gets the child? The richer nations. That is NOT what is absolutely best for the CHILD.

Don't let the negative stop your adoption plans. But do go into it with eyes wide open. There will be people that think you are the worst kind person for doing it. Know they are out there. Make sure you are dealing with a company that has not been accused of any fraud...unfortunately there are alot of them that have been lately....and rightly so. An adoption agency only stays in business if they are placing babies...which can lead to abuses. They are not going to fill you in on the busted baby buying rings or other things that are happening all the time...its not in their best interest.

This is a really hard issue. But there are SO many voices of adoptees out there protesting the way things are done that we need to listen. I listen and its hard. I don't want to hear that China is not the bright shiny uncorrupted system it was sold to me as. And yet they are finding all kinds of trafficking rings and busting the orphanages for buying babies, etc. I feel like I was lied to. But in the end, it doesn't matter...because if I hadn't adopted MM, someone else would have. She existed in the broken system already and my not adopting her would not have changed her fate. She would be in another international home.

What I feel I have learned is that the adoptees have every right to feel and express their pain. We shouldn't tell them they should be grateful for what they have here that they wouldn't have had in their birth country. The benefits are subjective and its their right to morn not growing up in their own country/culture with their own people. ESPECIALLY all the ones that are finding out parents or relatives searched for them (baby drop operations) or mothers who gave up the babies only because they needed a surgery they couldn't afford.

Sometime go check out

This is an adult that was adopted. She did her search and found her parents. Her blog is not about bashing adoption as a whole, but her story is so sad. Half her stuff is protected and you can't read it...but the stuff she does share is so very educational from an adopted parent standpoint. It's a blog from the heart. I follow this one and the posts can be hard to read because of her anguish but I feel I've learned alot about ways to support my daughter during her down times.

And as you are someone that is a positive thinker, you really really need to read everything you can on anniversary grief and such so you are more able to support during those times in adoptees lives when they just can't wade through the pain of being a "throw-away" or feel like they've been "stolen". Trying to talk them out of feeling and expressing the pain is the worst thing you can do -- that is what so many of the "angry" adoptees are trying to tell us. They have a right to grieve because they have lost BIG not matter what they have gained. We need to stop telling them otherwise. WE aren't the ones that lost...we are the ones that gained. Their entire life starts with loss.

So friend, I hope I didn't give the impression that I am anti-adoption -- I am very definitely not. I am against the way it is currently being handled in many places. I'm for the adoptive parents being better educated in how the grown adoptees feel and why. I'm for a zero tolerance death penalty for traffickers. I'm for doing everything possible to place a child in its own country first....not just some notice in a newspaper and lip service.

What I don't have is answers to how we make it better. And I don't feel we need to stop adoptions. There will always be orphans. There will always be children that need a home. And I'm sorry, I still do not feel that an orphanage or institution in a birth country is better than a home in another.

And for my other friend that asked.....I'm really not sure how I feel about the Haiti children that had their adoptions fast-tracked that were already in process. Not enough info. What still needed to be done? We don't have those answers. If its was just a judges stamp finalizing something....then its just red tape in the way and it ended as it should. Without knowing what exactly wasn't complete yet, I can't give a yes I am for it or no I'm against it answer. What I do feel is that they were already established as orphans, already in the process of being adopted, already matched with parents....and we already stepped in and took its a moot point for those kids. It's done. And, it does have the benefit of freeing up some space and supplies for the new orphans. Except people are so desperate they are robbing the orphanages because they know they are getting the support.

These kids just can't win.

1 comment:

  1. As always, thank you. You are preparing me, every step of the way. Some steps are harder then others, but I appreciate every single one.